Paean to Pain

Penning this
For everytime I lost my mind
For every nightmare
That I see since I left you behind
It’s a curse…once every 52 times
That scars my soul
And leaves me screaming inside
My brain’s fucked up,
Every thought a crime
Every little thing we laughed about
Now I loathe inside
Every memory a pain
Every word a crutch
I lean on to show the world how much
I couldn’t care about
Everything I’m missing out
But the scars re-appear everytime I shout
And scream,
and make every insane act my dream
My thoughts are now of a venemous stream

An idiot, a loser and what a dolt
Giving someone the power to destroy you
Convinced they won’t
But here lies my sanity
Part of your tombstone,
With a sanctimonious God
Reading this cold tome

This is just a moment
Of a depressed mind
Till I get up
From this faceless crime
Brush off the dust
Get on my beat
And chase my dreams
Like a bitch in heat
Excuse this shit
It’s not for the hall of fame
All it’s supposed to be
Is a paean to pain

Bad poetry – Chokers

<On an especially tense, frustrating night after a tense, frustrating day>

The clock strikes one,
then two, then three,
then four,
My shoulders hunched over the screen,
The sleep is tempting
but the work is tense
But it’s over,
Eyes glaze over Like a donut sheen

This is not the way
that I was supposed to be
DJ, spaceman,
what the fuck strangled my dreams
The tie chokes my neck,
my thoughts are screams
Like a nightmare no end,
No better reality

Real is the goal,
Like my thoughts are wack
I wish I could serve this
Up on wax
On a disc, a mike,
let me not freeze or choke
But I did choke,
so this is my rewards revoked

I lie, advise,
A reputation to keep
But this rep is my cross,
Like u sow, u reap
Step after step,
concrete swallows me whole
Can’t take another step
Work Destroys my soul

One verse, so many curses

Copyright: Braindumped

Image credit: The Captain

Ink fills this page
As I lay my rhyme
Like my dreams six feet deep
And the words sublime
Letter and cipher,
They foolhardedly mix
Both combine to give me my deadly fix.
To form a melody, a note or a vocal crime
People look down at me now cos I crossed the line
Dissing all the people who hate me through
Claustrophobic minds, let me break you fool
With my words, my rhythm, let the next verse be
A poignant phrase, retribution for all the pain I see
I’ll break you bitch and I’ll make you mine
Fill your mind up with all this toxic waste and grime
I’ll hurt, I’ll weep cos this ain’t the way
To make this agony and pain escape
A hole in my soul I could hold it back
But It’s better when I lay it all out in black
And white,
A destiny denied
I hate my guts, bitch, I wanna make you mine
But I look down at my hands and flip
Cos of these words flowing out of my fingertips
A song, just a single verse without a heed
Blood red clotted gums cos I grit my teeth
They bleed. Blood or venom, it’s all  I need
Satisfy this greed…
Let my soul sink low
Cos I’m never ever gonna get through heaven’s door
Cos U say my words will shock and they offend
It’s a sin for which this is no amends
But you fool, For every verse and curse I pen
It’s backed by a reality that you can’t defend
You think I exaggerate all I feel
Do i look like am using this for my feed?
I put the pen down now. The pain fades away
So many things that I have to say
But the words combine. Metaphors divine
And the meaning that I feel slinks into the night
Once again, I swear I’ll chase that high
When that happens, I’ll be back to fight.

Uneven verses, Unfocussed thoughts

 

Credit: Lucas Janin

12 am in the night, I lay my head down low
The night closes in but the sleep is slow
It’s the time to turn over, close your eyes,
Pull the blanket up.  Hope it’s a good night.
But no! Insomnia and caffeine, they duel in me
I think it’s heriditary. Somewhere from my family tree
My thoughts flow like a gusher from the earth beneath
Trying to reel ‘em back but stuck in there like a leech
Is this me? Is my patience in vain?
Or is it the caffeine that flows through my veins
Not placid, not calm and def not smooth
Like rapids, and it’s vapid, like a moment of truth
A truth, the truth I cannot deny
I was born for this, to do this till the day I die.
Not writing prissy poems of yore
And definitely not spouting these words for y’all

Freedom came in the night of 15 <Thought that rolls through these nights>
Our country we decked like a bride, a queen
Our hunger, our pain, we zoned it out.
But I had to write this little lyric, what this rap’s about.
50 years independent, and what we’ve  been?
The smartest motherfuckers that this world has seen
But we’ve been too smart and we’ve been too keen
To drive the biggest fancy cars, that is the dream
But there’s no respect for the ones about
Who make the changes in the world that we can’t live without.

The poor, the hungry, the restless and oppressed <Second one; sick is this flow>
A billion hearts beating under a bony chest.
I look back and think what the hell would I do
If i took a million of these and I made a crew
A better life, an education to boot
I’ll take over the motherfucking world like a tornado
We would rule it with a middle finger to the hell that’d follow
What stops us? I wish I knew
Are we peaceful? Or is just we lack the balls
To heed the Chinese Premier’s call
“Hardware and software, together we can if we care
Change the axis of power in a new world order

But now the exhaustion creeps,
Frustration clouds my mind to point of sleep
Another time, I roll over and rub my eyes
There will thoughts like this on some other nights
the only reason that I wrote this rap
Can I really make shit like rhyme like phat?

The fear to cross over open dreams

Thick as a knife broadside stab u feel
These ideas knock you over and make u keel
you stand up and wonder “Wow ! That’s the shit!”
But taking the next step is so unreal
The next step, put life into your dream
Make it real, channelling all you’ve sealed
So many thoughts bursting through the veal
A poisonous meal,
Your dreams are real but they are sublime
Cos you dont have the fuckin guts, it might malign
Or enhance your reputation as the one who fails
Who can’t talk through it cos’ he’s been afraid

A tragedy, that my life’s a farce
Like somebody’s else’s vision, but my throat is parched
My ideas are jewels, my kick, my fuel,
But I avoid setting up, too afraid to move
I’m a tool, maybe there’s something else
I wear like a vest to protect myself
An attitude so thick, I can barely breathe
My dreams choke holding like a python’s squeeze
A fear, a reluctance to walk the path
Unheard by the world’s indifferent wrath

I measure myself on my dreams those few
Shimmering in the night, but I’m too scared to
Grab it and hold it, let me just mold it
To be the mouth of the fable, be the man who told it
But I can’t think through, I just dont; do
what I’ supposed to do
My mind, like a Stanton needle, it just skips through
Like a broken turntable, it scratches through
Across the record, across tracks, just stops to play
A 180 sec song stops quarter of the way.

Distracted, empty-minded, the glass half full
Maybe. But that’s the not the drink i choose.
The tears run down a face of dispair
Tears blocked out by the clown’s smiling face
I raise a toast to those succeed
“They’re geniuses” but they that’s not why they’ve been
Down History. It’s cos I can’t cross the line
A little insecure but a lotta grime
No guts, no glory, I’m afraid to fight
That’s why this parody i call my life.

Grey

Calling out all those pussies out there who are too scared to have a point of view; This is for you !

Take a little black spec

Rub it across a whiteboard

So now it’s a grey streak

A striated, fine glow

But so many gradations, so many colors to pick from

So many choices, so many wrong,

Yet so many sick ones

Paralyzed by choice, we say “Hey, it’s gray”

Not willing to commit to just one shade

That’s how it is in life we lead-in

Nothing is either right nor wrong nor bad nor bleed-in

No stand ! It’s a crime, not the fleein’ mind that creates it

Who use languishing apathy to just keep fanning the flames with

It’s the sickest fuckin attitude, a delicious irony in the making

Those who stand by nothing, like dead rodents in the basement.

Stand by as the earth is plundered and ravaged

Human morality is destroyed,

These are the ones who are really so savage

Chorus

It’s grey ! It’s really not black nor white

It’s grey ! Not a rap, this is all my spite

It’s grey ! Not punishable by law

It’s grey! But someone has to fuckin answer when they step through heaven’s door

It’s grey! Crimes committed in the name of God

It’s grey! No one stops this madness, hate and doubt

It’s grey! All you people on the pointed fence

The arrowheads up your asses; and this is what you claim

We’re moderate. We really dont support it all.

But we aren’t really sure. Bitch! Fuckin’ grow some balls.

2

Those that changed history, they took a stand

Changed the world wide view; they made it cost the Man

Apartheid, world wars  started with a point of view

Those who lived by it spread and consensus grew.

Till someone, somewhere got sick of this shit

and said “Fuck ‘em all! I need some ammo! Where’s my stick?”

Stick against guns, we won and called ourselves patriotic

Father of the Nation whom we associate an independence with

It started not with a mission but a point of view

That these other motherfuckers were up to no good

But now the sick have grown start an epidemic anew

Like a fucking parasite, that their numbers grew.

People who don’t give a fuck, who just don’t care

Who couldn’t be bothered about the world run bare

Fuck these spineless whores like a fuckin sailor crew,

Oh wait! These bitches couldnt care about that too !

<WIP>

Stand up motherfucker !

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust

Stand by my grave , no tears, no blush

But I’m not dead. I stand with my broken  bone

That doesn’t really matter cos the pain’s no more

A distraction, all it did is drive me blind

Like the fuel in my Viper, it just strives this mind

to think, to feel, I need no help,

This crutch, my pain, like an electric fence

It supports me, painfully, makes me stand again

I’ll never back down….u can never take me then

To your house of horrors that you call sympathy

Or Empathy, what’s the deal

Can never tell the difference, well, this is how I feel

You can take me down but you’ll never take me out

This is all my pain, this is what I’m all about

I’m gonna rise again with this head held high

Tell all you motherfuckers, I will never die

When my headstone’s up and then all will claim

Brilliant mind, changed the world and that’s my fame !

Memories

Dedicated to someone I loved. The same person I hate for making me the way I am today ! Love ya Belle !!! And miss ya like crazy !!!

Looking up to the skies , I catch my breath
Memories wash over me with the shit you said
“I’ll be with you, just look up and see
A thousand million stars shining out through me”
I look up to the stars and see your face
See the spite, the mockery and disgrace
You left me bitch and turned away
You left me alone like i could survive this phase
I rot alone, without you here
But like an old motherfucker, I persevere
To see that there’s a brighter way for me
Yeah Bitch ! That’s the way I’ve broken down to be
Just hope for the future, just hope and pray
On my knees, eyes closed, just take me away

I failed my dreams, I failed my love
I failed all those bitches who just called me out
Trying to smile but this explodes once more
Like a gushing motherfucker, like the pain I bore
From my mouth, from my guts,
The bloods seeps to my chest, on my nuts
Girl ! I spit this here, and I spit it now
I said there’s nothing in this world that I can’t live without
Aint that the truth girl, cos you’re not here
And that’s the only true nightmare I fear

Break me

Shit hits the fan, there’s no avoiding it
The acid in my gut catalyzing it
So pissed off, I just wanna spit my verse
Before the venom destroys like a hateful curse
My soul, A pain so deep it mellows
A spell so strong, not a breeze a bellow
Wanna relax, just get off this stress
But this muthafucka world won’t let me get this off my chest
“Why you like this?” “Dont’ you care or what”
Bitch ! There is nothing that I can’t live without

Except you like a addict I cant bear to see
A life without you fuckin’ taunting me
A smile, a laugh, a shake of your head
Strut away leaving me to catch my breath
One day, someday, I’ll walk away
Into the death’s open arms and play it straight
Till then , until then I’ll live with it
Waiting to see what you fuckin’ break me with
Your tears, your stories or your delightful smile
Or your little fucked up brain and your crazy lies.

I’m sick with it, too ill to bear
A hungry heart, a little slow to care
Till this shit breaks off into my veins,
Like poisoned blood that exacerbates the pain
Till it kills me. Like a bullet to my head
Till I realize that I am so far dead
Gonna keep on movin’, cos I can see the prize
A breakaway of my resolve in your pitch black eyes